Chapter 12 ~ Black Hole

My eyes clouded and everything went black.

The end had come.

Too quickly.

How could this have happened?

Bella was dead.

Nothingness surrounded me.

My world felt empty.

My life was over.

My existence was nugatory

My purpose had ceased to exist.

I had nothing left to live for.

I truly believed that the pain, the torture and the suffering that I had felt on leaving Bella was the worst thing imaginable.

I had been devastatingly wrong.

It was nothing compared to this.

It was excruciatingly and overwhelmingly severe. There were no other words to describe it.

The confirmation that my love no longer inhabited this world sent shots of pain to places within me that I had never felt before.

Agony scorched through my body – tearing me apart.

I felt my heart shatter into a thousand pieces and hoped that wherever the pieces ended up, they would be with my Bella.

I wanted to weep.

I felt extraordinarily numb and completely drained.

I was so absolutely paralyzed from the pain that I didn’t even have the energy to sob tearlessly.

My world had stopped rotating.

Time ceased to tick by.

My universe disappeared.

I had crawled into a dark hole where nothing but guilt and pain resided.

I was submerged in immense grief.

How could this of happened? I asked myself again and again.

Bella…dead.

It aggrieved me to think of those two words in the same sentence.

Did she commit suicide?

Rosalie said she had jumped off a cliff.

It was obvious that she had deliberately tried to eliminate herself.

Did she do this because of me?

I had a strong guilty feeling it was indeed down to my actions.

I wondered how much I had truly hurt her by leaving her.

Was the force of her suffering enough to make her take her own life?

Oh god, what had I done to her?

I had left Forks to protect Bella’s fragile life, but instead I had hurt her beyond belief. I had broken her so completely that she had fallen over the edge, literally.

Bella.

Dead.

Gone forever.

Deceased.

Never coming back.

My sweet, uncoordinated, breakable Bella.

The bitter sweet memories overpowered me.

Me and her together.

Her face, her touch.

I would never have the opportunity to see her beautiful face again.

When it lit up with an astonishing smile – it filled me with joy.

When it flushed with a blush – it made my breath stop seeing her sweet blood underneath her skin.

Her soft touch sent tingles of warmth through my body.

When she declared her love for me, I felt my frozen heart beat.

All of that was now lost forever; extinct.

I now understood how it felt to have loved and lost.

The pain-filled longing and overwhelming grief was indescribable.

I had loved and lost the day I had left Bella; I just hadn’t realised it then. 

Was this pain I suffered how Bella felt when I departed?

Was it like I had died?

I couldn’t bear the thought of her enduring the torture and agony I was now feeling. But end her life…how could she have done this? – To me, to her mother and father? It made me want to howl in distress.

I found a strange energy in my heartache and I was instantaneously besieged by fury.

My hand clenched into tight fists as I jumped to my feet, liberating myself from my stance.

All I had desired for my Bella was that she was safe and happy, instead I had destroyed her.

This was my fault.

I had destroyed her; Charlie and Renee as well – I was the reason for their daughter’s death.

I was a vicious monster.

A repulsive, iniquitous, murderous creature.

I wanted to bleed.

I wanted to die.

I began scratching my skin, digging my nails in, trying to penetrate it. It didn’t work. It didn’t even hurt.

I gazed around at my surroundings searching for something else to attempt to hurt myself with.

The abandoned warehouse I had inhabited for the past several weeks was devoid of furniture. All I could see were the mouldy crumbling brick walls that confined me. I walked over to the west facing wall and swiftly smashed my fist into it. The wall buckled under the impact and my arm went straight through to the outside. Adrenaline pulsed through my body and I kept on thrashing and demolishing the wall, until there was a colossal whole in the side of the building.

I feel to my knees as despair took over my destructive episode. I buried my face into my hands and let out a sob of anguish.

I wanted to die.

I deserved to depart this life.

I wanted to burn in the fiery pits of hell.

Bella’s life had been stolen from her.

Death had taken her from me because of my own actions.

The time had come to compensate for my transgressions.

I was going to atone for my sins.

I was going to Italy.