Chapter 5 ~ Oblivion

The end had not been what I had expected.

It was over too quickly and it was much more agonising.

I longed to still be in Forks, watching over her, breathing in her luxurious scent. Not alone in abject misery reliving our last conversation; a conversation in which I had succeeded in convincing Bella that I no longer wanted her. It was the most evil and malevolent lie I had ever told. I knew I was a good liar, but I never thought that Bella would believe me so quickly. Her willingness to accept my deceit had only served to enhance my guilt. Was it better this way? It wasn’t for me. But I had to believe that it was for Bella.

My chest was hollow; where my frozen heart had been, there was now an agonizing ache that ravaged every inch of my body, and I knew I was dying inside; again. The agony of my transformation had been transient, but the pain that wracked me now was eternal, of that I was positive.

I had no idea where I was, or where I was going. I was only vaguely aware that I was in my car with my foot on the accelerator and pressed flat to the floor.

I couldn’t think properly.

I couldn’t concentrate.

All I could see was Bella’s face as it crumpled in pain over and over in my head. I couldn’t turn my attention away from that image even though it was crucifying me. I knew that if I took a deep breath I would be able to clear my head slightly. But I didn’t want to exhale the last exquisite scent I had breathed in. I wanted it to stay within my body forever.

 

Normally, I never paid close attention to the roads whilst driving. A part of my vampire brain took over instinctively, so driving became a reflex action. But as the pain slowly engulfed me – my disturbed mind shut down completely and I was forced to pull over. With my brain not working properly, I couldn’t allow myself to drive – a car wreck would be inevitable. Although I would be able to walk away from a crash unscathed, there was no point in causing myself more hassle; the awkward explanations and the destruction of my vehicle, not to mention the reckless endangerment other road users. I could not care less about my car or myself, but it made the situation less dangerous if I just stopped.

What was wrong with me?

Why wouldn’t my brain function?

I leant my head back against the seat’s head rest. My hands were tightly gripping the steering wheel; I couldn’t seem to move them. I stared out the windscreen seeing nothing but Bella’s despairing face.

I tried closing my eyes but the image of Bella was even larger in my head – How was that even possible?

The image spoke, Bella’s whispered words echoing like a horrible mantra.

‘Don’t do this.’

‘You…don’t…want…me?’

As each word repeated itself in my mind, it cut a new wound within me. The pain was excruciating.

It was torture.

Bella’s voice in my head eventually died away when every inch of my body had been slashed. It was then that question’s started entering my mind.

How long had my eyes been shut?

How long had I been sat in my car?

Where was I?

As I was able to last an infinite amount of time without moving or breathing, I had no Idea how long I had been there – wherever there was. It could have been hours, days or even weeks as far as I knew. My mind hadn’t been tracking the time. I wasn’t even sure what day it was.

             

I opened my eyes. Light filled the car, surrounding me. It was dawn and the sun was beginning to appear partially through the clouds.

The light of a new day brought to mind something that I had temporarily forgotten – She was safe.

Despite my dark depression, I couldn’t stay where I was. I wanted solitude to privately mourn the bereavement of the only one I would ever love. I needed to compose myself, reign in my feelings and let my brain function – just for a short period of time until I was somewhere alone and remote.

I was almost at my first destination, I had not decided on my second, as yet.

I discovered that when I had left Forks, I had driven into Canada, and found myself in the town of Weyburn, where I had stayed stationary in my vehicle for several days. Eventually I had forced myself to channel all thoughts of Bella and feelings of pain, to the back of my mind, until I was ready to release and deal with them. I was able to concentrate better, but my mind still yearned to think of Bella. I drove at high speed straight to Ithaca, stopping only to re-fuel my car. It was there, where my family had re-located. They would most certainly be waiting for me, and I was confident Alice would have informed them of my arrival.

Driving along, I began to notice things that would usually never catch my attention but today I couldn’t help but watch. Couples – some, holding hands, others in gentle loving embraces. How I envied them – They had their entire lives’ to enjoy each other, with their futures laid out in front of them. I would never be able to be with my love like that.

I had no future.

I only had endless years of emptiness ahead of me.

A familiar property came into view through the surrounding trees. The house was similar to the one we had inhabited in Washington State’s Forks, except it was a dark brown colour and had a porch wrapped round the entire building. On the porch, was where my family stood waiting for me – their faces free from any expression.

I was not particularly looking forward to seeing my family, primarily because I didn’t want to hear their thoughts of pity and sympathy, but more specifically, I dreaded seeing the devotion between the couples in my family. I was afraid the affection they show each other, would push me over the edge of the cliff on which I was precariously balanced.

The atmosphere was tense as I stepped out of my car and made my way towards them. Suddenly, and without me even noticing her movement – Alice was in my arms, embracing me tightly, as if she was trying to absorb some of my hurt.

Oh Edward. She whispered in her head.

She pulled back, grabbing my hand as she led me towards the house.