Chapter 6 ~ Breathless

The interior of the house was light and comforting, similar to the house in Forks. Esme enjoys renovating, and always decorated the interiors of each Cullen house in a way that we, as vampires, could enjoy the brightness without being in direct sunlight.

   

Alice still gripped my hand as we turned to face our family who had followed us in. Their eyes were fixed upon me intently, watching me carefully. I could hear in each of their thoughts that they were unsure what to say, if anything at all. The tension mounted as the silence wore on.

Finally, after several long minutes, Carlisle called me in his head.

Edward?

I didn’t want to reply. Vampires didn’t need to breathe; we just did it out of habit and to appear more human. But we did need breath in order to talk, and I couldn’t bear to release Bella’s scent that was contained in my body. I had inhaled my last breath in Bella’s presence - when I had breathed in her scent one final time. I wasn’t letting it go. It was the only thing I had left of her that wasn’t a memory.

Edward? Esme spoke to me in her head. Are you alright, dear?

I responded by bowing my head in a curt nod.

Her eyebrows pulled together forming worry lines on her forehead. She hurried to stand next to Carlisle and reached up to whisper into his ear.

“What’s wrong with Edward? He looks so overwrought and unwell.” I didn’t understand why she made the effort to whisper, because she was well aware that I as well as the other members of my family would be able to hear her perfectly.

“He’s not breathing.” Jasper spoke aloud answering her question.

I wanted to turn and growl menacingly at him. Why did he have to feel what I was feeling? – The pressure to breathe but the desperation to keep the only connection that related to Bella I had left. I couldn’t even make the effort to glare at him.

Sorry, Edward. He thought, as he felt my exasperation.

I should have expected that Jasper would be monitoring my emotions – probably to update my family on how I was coping without Bella. They were all worried because they all knew how much Bella meant to me, even Rosalie.

“What do you mean, he’s not breathing?” grumbled Emmett in confusion

“You know I don’t know the reason why, Emmett.” Jasper answered quietly. “I can only identify the feelings and emotions.”

Edward? Esme called again.

Why couldn’t the rest of my family have the ability to read minds like I could? It would be so much more convenient if I could answer them in my own head.

“Edward, you should breathe. It’s not healthy for you to hold it all in.” Carlisle said softly.

Thankfully, they didn’t know why I wasn’t breathing or realise how precious the air inside my lungs was to me–if they did, they would without a doubt think I was insane.

“Edward, please? Talk to us” Esme spoke in a gentle voice.

“Edward, come on, bro.” Emmett said encouragingly.

Alice suddenly tensed at my side and her eyelids fluttered closed. Jasper flashed to her side, as he always did when she had a vision. Everyone else just remained perfectly still. I watched Alice’s vision unfold in her head with her. I was shocked to see myself gasping a breath out. I shook my head manically.

No. I shouted in my head.

Alice opened her eyes and smiled weakly at me.

“Give him a minute.” She said.

All eyes flickered to my face.

The pressure of their watchful gazes upon me suddenly became too much. My throat constricted and the tension built in my lungs. It felt like I was going to explode. I was being forced to exhale. I clamped my mouth shut tightly, biting down on the insides of my lips. I couldn’t allow Bella’s scent to leave me – I wasn’t ready to let it go yet.

My lungs started to deflate as the air made its way up through my windpipe. I was going to exhale; it was inevitable. I was going to lose what I had spent days trying to save.

It happened exactly as I had seen it in Alice’s head. The air entered my mouth and I choked and spluttered before gasping in fresh de-bella-ised air.

Alice gripped my hand tighter, with enough strength to stop me from collapsing to the floor. I began hyperventilating, taking in deep frenzied breaths.

Esme appeared at my side.

“Carlisle!” She shouted. “What is wrong with him?”

I hardly even noticed my sister and mother dragging me to the leather sofa in the middle of the room. I was alarmed at myself.

Why was I acting this way?

Was this what being apart from Bella was doing to me?

“Jasper!” Carlisle instructed.

Instantly, a sense of calm washed over me and I felt oddly at ease. It was soothing, which I was grateful for. I buried my face in my hands feeling embarrassed by my episode. Esme stroked my arm softly, comforting me.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered. I felt stupid; humiliation roared through me like a flame. Reluctantly I inhaled deeply and took in the smells around me. It smelt wrong – there was no scent in the house that I could familiarise myself with, apart from the obvious ones exuded by my family. I had been here many times before but still it felt strange to me – It wasn’t home.

I wanted to scream out in distress.

Edward?

I raised my head to look at Carlisle’s concerned face.

“Please excuse my behaviour. It was idiotic.”

“Edward, where have you been for the past four days?” Carlisle questioned me gently.

“Alice didn’t tell you?” I asked puzzled, turning to look at her.

She shook her head.

“I knew you had departed Forks, because you had your mind set on leaving. I had a vision of you driving north, but then everything went blank. I couldn’t see anything. It made me so anxious. You didn’t make any decisions for me to see, except for coming here today.” I don’t like being blind, you had me worried, Edward. Alice continued in her head.

“So you didn’t foresee that I would crash?” I asked still confused.

Crash? Carlisle and Esme echoed the same thought in their minds.

Alice shook her head again.

“You crashed? But your Volvo –“Carlisle asked thinking about my intact car parked outside.

“No.” I interrupted his thoughts. “But I would of have, If I hadn’t of pulled over.”

“Whoa. Seriously?” Emmett asked in a surprised tone. “Your head must have been pretty messed up.”

“Emmett!” Rosalie hissed, warning him.

“What?” He shrugged.

She didn’t answer; instead she just glared at him with her topaz eyes. Normally, the exchange would make me chuckle – but not today.

There was no use in being untruthful with my family – they were all aware that something was incredibly wrong.

“Yes, Emmett. My head is extremely disorderly.”

“But you’re not staying with us are you?” Alice asked accusingly. “I have seen that much.”

I didn’t reply.

“What about Bella, Edward? Don’t do anything stupid for her sake. We need to all be together now. Just because we’ve left doesn’t mean she has forgotten us. Do you expect us to forget about her? What is she does something stupid?”

Hearing Bella’s name aloud made me internally wince at our separation.

“Alice!” Esme cautioned.

“Bella promised.” I forced myself to say. “And, don’t be looking for her future, either. We’ve done enough damage. Please, Alice. This is the right thing to do.”

“If you are leaving, where are you going?” Carlisle enquired, changing the course of the conversation.

“I really have no idea.” I replied truthfully. “I just need to be alone for awhile.”

I want you to stay. Alice spoke in her head.

“How long is a while?” Jasper enquired.

“I don’t know. “ I said again.

“Okay, Edward, if that’s what you feel you need to do. But please, come back to us soon, dear.” Esme said sweetly. She understood that I wasn’t ready to be around couples and needed time to heal, even though I knew I never would. The wounds that had been gouged so deeply when I left Bella would never heal.

“Don’t go, Edward.” Emmett demanded.

“Let him go.” Rosalie spoke. “He will come back when he is over her.”

An inherent snarl escaped my lips.

Emmett instinctively moved in front of Rosalie, prepared to defend her if I attacked.

“Chill, Edward. You know Rose didn’t mean it.” He turned his head to look at her. “Did you, babe?”

Rosalie ignored him and pushed him aside, out of his protective stance. He then proceeded to wrap his arms around her torso. The affectionate gesture made me want to growl again, but I held it back. Seeing that was exactly what I wanted to avoid. I wanted to escape the questions, concerned looks, and any signs of affection. I would refrain from getting angry whilst I remained here, but none of them knew of the torture I felt. Rosalie was wrong – I would never get over Bella.

Once I had changed into fresh clothes, I bid farewell to my family. I left my car – I didn’t need it. I wanted to run. I set off into the trees and began the longest and darkest night of my existence.